Last Year

I'm remembering you and this night last year and the excitement of being next to you. I'm remembering my heart pounding and the smile on my face as we celebrated the start of a new year together. I'm remembering it all like it happened yesterday and I'm missing you tonight.

Happy New Year, S----.

Awkward Moment of the Week

While browsing through jewelry at the mall with my mom the other day we ran into a lady she had worked with and her husband. After chatting for quite a bit about family and awkward situations, the woman mentioned how someone she knew brought his ex-wife to a lot of family events ever since she came out of the closet. Her husband tacked on that the ex-wife's daughter also came out of the closet and quickly mumbled "It's disgusting" to finish off his sentence.To complete the awkwardness of this moment, a slew of conversation ensued about gays in society and how unnatural and wrong their relationships are while I stood next to my mother, wearing the necklace that my ex-girlfriend gave me, a bracelet with Bee's name on it, and a Live in Love bracelet that my gay best friend gave me several years ago, all the while thinking You have no idea what you're talking about and wondering what they would say if they knew that all the judgmental things they were saying applied to me too. 

Judge away, world. I'm going to love who I'm going to love. 

I miss my bee

Home for the Holidays

So, I have two grandmothers - one is evil and one is SuperAwesomeAmazing. Every year we spend Christmas Eve at Awesome!Grandma's and we see Evil!Grandma Christmas day when we go to my aunt and uncle's for brunch. This year, however, Evil!Grandma is going to spend Christmas Eve with us (my parents and me) at Awesome!Grandma's house and then sleeping over and spending Christmas morning with us since her boyfriend of 17 years broke up with her. I'm not sure if hell is going to freeze over, but I'm pretty sure some crazy times are about to ensue.

UPDATE:

Evil!Grandma no longer ruining attending Christmas Eve dinner. Phew

I don't understand how people that call themselves your best friends can be so selfish about spending time with them. I love my friends, but the holidays aren't all about them. Sorry. I came home to see my family. Not them.

UPDATE


Friend situation resolved. Sort of.

I miss everything about you today. It sucks. I just want to be with you even though I know it's the worst decision in the world. When I found out you got a girlfriend I tried to act like I didn't care, but I do. I care so much that it's eating me up inside. Knowing that you're going to be right down the street from me in a day makes me sick. I want so badly to not care about you or about what we had, but right now it feels like I'll never stop caring.

To C----------

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go for it. You've been in love with me for years, and yet I've never felt the same way about you. I wish I knew how to like you. It would be so easy with us. Every time you talk about another girl I know that I get jealous, but why? I've never felt anything for you other than friendship. I'm sorry. It's all a little hazy for me.

I believe that

Today is going to be a good day.

Tell me when

Tell me, why is it that they pack 90% of what you learn during the semester into one exam? I'm blaming my aching back on finals and a lack of alcohol.

This is what I would like:

Not this:

And certainly not this:

Oh well, guess I'll settle for a little bit of Mr. Bublé and then some sleep. Here, enjoy him with me:

UPDATE:

Straight A's for the semester! Winning. 

Confessions

In middle school I had a dream about two of my closest girl friends (Taylor and Emma). The dream was far from friendly, in which I mean it was highly sexual for a middle school girl.I never told them because once I woke up I just tried to forget about it. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure that was the first time I ever had real feelings about a girl.

You were mine right?

I had a dream about you last night. We were in your French class (which was strange because you don't take French) and I was sitting across from you in a circle. I watched you grab this girls hand and I couldn't take it anymore. I walked straight over to you and kissed you. I've never kissed anyone like that in my life. The look in your eyes when I finally let go of you was so familiar.

And then I woke up.

Artists of the night: Mr. Mraz

In an effort to move past my emotional roller coaster feelings, I'm taking a moment to appreciate some of the people men in my life, including: Mr. Mraz, Mr. Bublé, and Mr. Groban

To S----, with my best regards

I hate the fact that you have a girlfriend. I hate it so much because it should still be me, and yet I know that we don't belong together. I hate that we don't talk anymore, but I know that if I pick up the phone to call you I'll be putting myself in a situation that I just shouldn't. I want to know who she is and I hope that she means nothing to you. I hope that your relationship falls apart and that you can't stand each other. But I want you to be happy, so why does it bother me so much that you've met someone else? 

It should be me. 

You mean everything and nothing to me. I hate that I love you. 

Why can't you just call me? I know that I told you that I needed space. I know that I told you that I couldn't talk to you until I was ready, but that didn't mean that you should stop trying. I'm a girl. We're crazy, remember? 

I wonder all the time if you ever think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder all the time if you look at my pictures (I know you have a file of them on your computer). I wonder if you ever listen to those songs and remember what it was like to have me in your arms. I wonder why it's her and not me. I wonder if you ever wonder the same thing. 

I miss you. 

I live my life in other people's worlds

To S----

You were the first girl I ever had real feelings for and you tricked me.

I never told you this, but I was so close to falling in love with you. And you threw me around like I was a rag doll - literally.

I don't know why you have to hide the way you really feel and put up your walls like someone is going to launch an attack against you.

But it's okay. I'm not mad at you. In fact, I forgive you, even though you'll never ask for forgiveness. Even though you think that you were always right.

You'll always have a place in my heart. I'll always care about you, but I'm going to move on. I'm going to put you behind me.

But for once I'm going to say the things that I never could to your face:

1. Fuck you
2. I am good for you, so stop pushing me away
3. I hate it when you say "whatever"
4. I love the way you touch me
5. I hate it when your personality switches on and off more than a lamp
6. Your taste in music sucks
7. I'm not passive/agressive, you're just highly confrontational
8. I'm not scared
9. Hold my hand damnit
10. It's not all my fault.
11. Stop being such a bitch and admit that you're wrong for once in your life
12. Not everything is about you and your problems
13. Stop judging people just because they don't meet your standards, you're not perfect
14. I love your art
15. I miss the way you smell
16. When we weren't friends I hated you
17. My friends never wanted me to date you, but I didn't care and that should have been good enough for you
18. I hate how pretentious you are, but I find it very attractive
19. You're adorable when you play video games
20. I hate it when you act like I'm not even there
21. I hated it when you talked about R-----
22. I read your journal
23. I hated that when I read your journal I found an entry about R----
24. I miss the way you looked at me
25. You confused the HELL out of me
26. I liked it when you got jealous
27. The times when you were sweet were overwhelming
28. I still wear the necklace you gave me
29. I wanted to be important to you
30. That time you drove for hours just so that I could spend the weekend with you was amazing
31. The weekend that you were going to break up with me was awful
32. The time we had sex after that weekend was INCREDIBLE
33.The time we had sex over the summer before you left I faked it
34. The time we had sex in August made up for it
35. Your emotions are like a roller coaster ride
36. I still dream about you
37. I still want to have sex with you
38. I miss falling asleep in your arms
39. I hated the way you pushed me away
40. I can do better than you and now I know that

The first few pages...

To the masses:

My name's Lilah Day.

I speak English and French.

I'm 21.

I have three brothers.

I read Drarry fics.

I have several best friends.

I have a dog and a cat.

I like reading.

I come from a very Christian family.

I like boys and girls.