Tomber amoreux a Paris

How do you justify feeling so strongly about a person you've only just met and barely know? Everything I'm feeling is just mixing inside of my like a chemical explosion waiting to happen. It's so hard to act like I don't care (and I know for a fact I'm doing an awful job even pretending). I wear my emotions on my face like an open book. If I'm feeling it, the whole world knows. And now I'm sitting alone in Paris trying not to cry because I'm way to involved in a relationship that's going no where with someone that doesn't even like me! Yes, I brought this on myself and I let it happen, but now that I want it to stop I just can't think of what to do. Oh great, the object of my obsession is sitting in front of me. Shoot me now. -.-

An Angel Taken Home

I've spent all day trying to forget about what happened, but when I'm home and I've finally stopped distracting myself with work and reading and all the other mindless activities of the day, I think about you and my heart breaks. You were so young, so alive, that I can't fathom that you might be gone. I can still hear the sound of your laugh, the enigmatic way you jokingly talked about the importance of geography in our French class. A few weeks ago, I said that it was a stupid reason to take a class just because you were going to be in it. Now, I'd give anything just to be in that class with you again. To see your smile.To hear your laugh. To watch you walk in the door with your bundle of books, each a different language. When I think about what you were going to do with your life, the kind of plans you had for yourself, I can barely stop the tears. This world needs more people like you in it. You were truly one of a kind. I wish I had taken the time to know you better. I will regret it for the rest of my life. Even though I only knew you briefly, you have changed my life forever. Dear friend, I love you so completely and my heart will always be with you.

All my love,
Lilah <3

Worried mother duck

I can't get in touch with my best friend and I'm freaking out! I know that I sometimes have motherly tendencies but I'm really worried at this point.

Hi Lo Street

So far, the high point of this week was when my best friend Beille and I broke out into "in the dark of the night" from Anastasia at the same time while walking home in the dark from the movie theater. Best friend bonus points for that one.

Low point of this week was when I made it through the entire day and then finally started sobbing the moment I closed my bedroom door because of the momentous scholarship rejection letters coupled with my roommate receiving a full ride study abroad scholarship added to an already stress-heavy class load. On the bright side, it was like a scene right out of a movie, and I should at least get something from karma out of all that drama, right?

Life: 2
Me: .5 (I don't care who you are, that best friend moment was epic)

At least the stairs haven't started changing on me yet. I'm actually winning against them and their desire to attack me on a daily basis.

Hurricane My Life

I don't understand how classes have only just started and I'm already trying to grab hold to something sturdy just to keep from being blown over by the turmoil that is going on in my life right now. It's like everything just came on all at once and I'm just holding on hoping to make it through the next couple weeks. This semester is going to be really rough. As of right now, my schedule/hating life for tomorrow

06:45am Wake up
07:15am Gym
9:30 - 11am Classes
11:15-1:45pm Work
2-3:15pm Classes
5:00pm-8pm Work
8pm-12am Homework
Sleep?

Oh, also, to everyone out there who has a discrepancy against someone for whatever reason:
Never talk shit about someone to their best friend and expect them to just sit there and agree with you in all your rightness. You'll be lucky if you don't get slapped in the face for something like that or trampled on by her horde of gays for that matter. Respect. It's real.

Bad days made better

I was having a really stressful week complete with new classes that are overwhelming, a frantic need for money, and a desperate search for a higher paying job when this little gem popped up in my news feed:

Sometimes, I really love my friends.

Last Year

I'm remembering you and this night last year and the excitement of being next to you. I'm remembering my heart pounding and the smile on my face as we celebrated the start of a new year together. I'm remembering it all like it happened yesterday and I'm missing you tonight.

Happy New Year, S----.

Awkward Moment of the Week

While browsing through jewelry at the mall with my mom the other day we ran into a lady she had worked with and her husband. After chatting for quite a bit about family and awkward situations, the woman mentioned how someone she knew brought his ex-wife to a lot of family events ever since she came out of the closet. Her husband tacked on that the ex-wife's daughter also came out of the closet and quickly mumbled "It's disgusting" to finish off his sentence.To complete the awkwardness of this moment, a slew of conversation ensued about gays in society and how unnatural and wrong their relationships are while I stood next to my mother, wearing the necklace that my ex-girlfriend gave me, a bracelet with Bee's name on it, and a Live in Love bracelet that my gay best friend gave me several years ago, all the while thinking You have no idea what you're talking about and wondering what they would say if they knew that all the judgmental things they were saying applied to me too. 

Judge away, world. I'm going to love who I'm going to love. 

I miss my bee

Home for the Holidays

So, I have two grandmothers - one is evil and one is SuperAwesomeAmazing. Every year we spend Christmas Eve at Awesome!Grandma's and we see Evil!Grandma Christmas day when we go to my aunt and uncle's for brunch. This year, however, Evil!Grandma is going to spend Christmas Eve with us (my parents and me) at Awesome!Grandma's house and then sleeping over and spending Christmas morning with us since her boyfriend of 17 years broke up with her. I'm not sure if hell is going to freeze over, but I'm pretty sure some crazy times are about to ensue.

UPDATE:

Evil!Grandma no longer ruining attending Christmas Eve dinner. Phew

I don't understand how people that call themselves your best friends can be so selfish about spending time with them. I love my friends, but the holidays aren't all about them. Sorry. I came home to see my family. Not them.

UPDATE


Friend situation resolved. Sort of.

I miss everything about you today. It sucks. I just want to be with you even though I know it's the worst decision in the world. When I found out you got a girlfriend I tried to act like I didn't care, but I do. I care so much that it's eating me up inside. Knowing that you're going to be right down the street from me in a day makes me sick. I want so badly to not care about you or about what we had, but right now it feels like I'll never stop caring.

To C----------

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go for it. You've been in love with me for years, and yet I've never felt the same way about you. I wish I knew how to like you. It would be so easy with us. Every time you talk about another girl I know that I get jealous, but why? I've never felt anything for you other than friendship. I'm sorry. It's all a little hazy for me.

I believe that

Today is going to be a good day.

Tell me when

Tell me, why is it that they pack 90% of what you learn during the semester into one exam? I'm blaming my aching back on finals and a lack of alcohol.

This is what I would like:

Not this:

And certainly not this:

Oh well, guess I'll settle for a little bit of Mr. Bublé and then some sleep. Here, enjoy him with me:

UPDATE:

Straight A's for the semester! Winning. 

Confessions

In middle school I had a dream about two of my closest girl friends (Taylor and Emma). The dream was far from friendly, in which I mean it was highly sexual for a middle school girl.I never told them because once I woke up I just tried to forget about it. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure that was the first time I ever had real feelings about a girl.

You were mine right?

I had a dream about you last night. We were in your French class (which was strange because you don't take French) and I was sitting across from you in a circle. I watched you grab this girls hand and I couldn't take it anymore. I walked straight over to you and kissed you. I've never kissed anyone like that in my life. The look in your eyes when I finally let go of you was so familiar.

And then I woke up.

Artists of the night: Mr. Mraz

In an effort to move past my emotional roller coaster feelings, I'm taking a moment to appreciate some of the people men in my life, including: Mr. Mraz, Mr. Bublé, and Mr. Groban

To S----, with my best regards

I hate the fact that you have a girlfriend. I hate it so much because it should still be me, and yet I know that we don't belong together. I hate that we don't talk anymore, but I know that if I pick up the phone to call you I'll be putting myself in a situation that I just shouldn't. I want to know who she is and I hope that she means nothing to you. I hope that your relationship falls apart and that you can't stand each other. But I want you to be happy, so why does it bother me so much that you've met someone else? 

It should be me. 

You mean everything and nothing to me. I hate that I love you. 

Why can't you just call me? I know that I told you that I needed space. I know that I told you that I couldn't talk to you until I was ready, but that didn't mean that you should stop trying. I'm a girl. We're crazy, remember? 

I wonder all the time if you ever think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder all the time if you look at my pictures (I know you have a file of them on your computer). I wonder if you ever listen to those songs and remember what it was like to have me in your arms. I wonder why it's her and not me. I wonder if you ever wonder the same thing. 

I miss you. 

I live my life in other people's worlds